My story is not uncommon, but it is one that I have determined will give God glory and be used to help others who have a similar story. I was raised in church. My dad constantly told me to “wait” for marriage… that I was worth the wait, and that God had something better than my wildest dreams in store for me. But all of that came crashing down when, in my 6th grade classroom, I was sexually assaulted in by an older boy. The trauma left me feeling worthless, and like my value was only found in being desired by men. I now realize this horrible experience warped the way I viewed myself and the way I viewed relationships. Although I longed for true love, I settled for sexual relationships where I was used and thrown away. I forced myself to believe the lies told by society, that sex is “no big deal”, because I couldn’t face the fact that it was wrong in God’s eyes. So instead, I told myself I was empowered by these sexual relationships, but in reality, each “relationship” left me more broken than I was before.
When I married my husband in 2013, I assumed that I would be made whole. I thought my past actions were only sinful because they happened outside of marriage, and that once I was married, everything would be perfect. I was wrong. During the first few years of marriage I felt uneasy. I felt I was undeserving of my husband’s love and undeserving of being his wife because of my past. I felt dirty. I felt ashamed. I was unable to experience the fullness of joy God desires for us in marriage, because in the back of my mind all I could hear were the lies that told me: “You don’t deserve this. When your husband finds out about your past, he will leave you. Your in-laws think you’re wonderful, but once they find out who you really are, they’ll never look at you the same. You think God wants to use you? How could He use you after what you’ve done?” I wore that shame and regret every day. I was shackled by my past and to my past, unable to move forward.
God began to reveal to me how the enemy was using my past to keep me from the future and the purpose God was calling me to. I decided to stop living my life allowing fear and shame to silence me. Through God’s grace, I no longer allow shame to steer me away from God’s promises, but instead I stand upon them. I now realize that God doesn’t hold my past against me. He doesn’t want me holding onto shame and regret. He’s called me to place my past sexual immorality, my regret, my shame, and my fears in His hands, never to pick them up again. Once I understood this, the shackles of my sin were broken, and I experienced true freedom. I am free because “Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed (John 8:36).”
Now nothing is hidden from my husband and his family, and God has used this to bring us closer rather than push us apart. I confidently stand upon Proverbs 31:25 and 28-29: She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future…Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’
This year, my husband deployed to South Korea, and my daughter and I moved back to Southern California. God has used my husband’s deployment to show me His faithfulness and teach me to rely on His word. He has placed me exactly where He wants me to be. Here, I’ve plugged into Bridge Women. I have met sweet women, on fire for God, and unapologetic in their dedication to Him, and I am refreshed and encouraged. I have learned that I don’t have to be perfect to be used by God, I just have to be willing. God is using Bridge Women to empower me to begin ministering to women through blogging and using the gift of writing He has given me for His glory. I am now walking in my purpose as a woman of God, and finding peace in His promises. I am no longer afraid or ashamed. I am a daughter of the King. I am loved, cherished, and highly valued.
