Being a mother has always been a big part of what I felt was my calling in life. God placed a passion for nurturing inside my heart, and I'd always dreamed that one day it would lead to me having a family.
My husband Cory and I were married at 19, and we struggled financially in the beginning. We wanted a baby very much, but we knew that it would not be wise to start a family when we struggled to make ends meet. We felt so far away from that dream of starting a family, and my heart ached during that time of waiting.
But, God provided me the comfort and encouragement I needed by bringing other women alongside to mentor me. My spiritual mentor gave me the nickname “Little Mama,” because she knew I would be a mother someday. I meditated on the verse Psalm 113:9, “He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!
Two years later, God provided us with a miraculous opportunity. My husband received a position that provided the income necessary to support the family we so desperately desired! We were overjoyed! We became pregnant very quickly after that, and we were absolutely thrilled. Reading the result of that pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of our lives. We were finally going to be parents!
During my sixth week of pregnancy, I started to bleed. I immediately reached out to my support network to ask for prayer, faithfully believing that my baby would be fine. When the bleeding continued, I set up an ultrasound appointment to check that all was well. Cory and I went to our appointment believing with all our hearts that we would be hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time that day. Instead, we received heartbreaking news: There was no baby growing in my womb anymore.
Processing the loss of our baby was difficult. We had believed so certainly that everything would be fine. Once we saw with our own eyes that there was no baby there, we had to completely shift our mindset. After we went home, I even took another pregnancy test because I was still having a hard time believing it. Of course, the test said “not pregnant.” I silently handed the test to my husband, and we both broke down. We cried and held each other, finally accepting that our baby was gone.
Our loss put me in a dark place spiritually. I could not understand why God had put this yearning in my heart for motherhood, only to rip it away when it had only just begun. Fortunately, I allowed other believers to support me through that painful time. They helped me realize the enemy was trying to steal my hope and replace it with doubt and anger. They affirmed to me that God is good, and they helped me work through my grief and come to a place of peace about my loss, knowing that God was not to blame. I knew that my baby was with Jesus, and that I would see him or her again one day. We named our baby Sam, since we didn't know the gender at the time. Later, God revealed to me that it was a boy, Samuel.
Six months after losing Sam, I became pregnant again. This time, my pregnancy was healthy and full-term, and I gave birth to my beautiful son Cody in 2014. Then, just a few months ago, I welcomed my precious daughter Abigail into the world. Throughout both of these pregnancies, I had complete peace about the safety and health of my babies. I knew God had it under control.
We did not know it at the time, but we recently discovered the name Samuel means “Heard by God.” He clearly put that name on our hearts for a reason. My experiences have shown me that God truly is good, and that I can trust him. He is fighting for me. He hears our cries and answers them. Sam may not be with me, but he is safe with the Lord, and I have two beautiful children to hold now. John 10:10 says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” When I look at my life now, it is incredibly clear - God is so, so good!
